Welcome back, Tiger and Miss Templado, from your ski trip! Hope you had a good time!
OH, YES!!! I almost forgot!
Tomorrow is Saturday, and I have to film a video for school. I was just, uh, wondering if you gals would be at all interested in being in it. Here's the script, if you want to take a look:
THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF CLOUDCUCKOOLAND
By Sophie Klomparens
Based on the Greek play “The Birds,” by Aristophanes
1 The sun rises over a hill.
NARRATOR
You’ve heard of Oedipus Rex and the tragic story of the king who lost everything that was dear to him. You’ve read Agamemnon and the ironic events of the queen who killed her husband. And maybe you have even seen Alcestis and enjoyed the happy ending for a change. But I can guarantee you that you have never seen a Greek play quite like this one.
Opening title. Two men begin to come up over the hill. They are PISTHETAIROS (called FRED in this version) and EUELPIDES (called BOB in this version).
BOB (to the jackdaw)
Straight ahead? Over by that tree?
FRED (to the raven)
Oh,
Swears. It’s bleeped out. Actor says “Dang” in the shooting.
FRED (cont.)
Dang (bleep) your feathers!
Freezes on Fred.
NARRATOR
Yup. Take a good long look. You’ll be seeing a lot of him. That’s Pisthet…Pisthai…Pindoggin…Palendrome…Oh, let’s just call him Fred.
FRED (returning to life)
Euelpides, this fool fowl is going to drive me crazy!
BOB
I know. What’s the use? All this going up and down hills, it’ll be forever before we find the right road.
Freezes on Bob.
NARRATOR
And that is…er…Euel…Eulerinp…Epping…Aw, whatever. Just call him Bob.
Bob and Fred return to life.
FRED
The birdseller said that these birds would take us straight to Tereus!
BOB
Exactly how King Tereus turned into a bird, I have no clue!
All this while, they are tramping along, frustrated.
FRED
Well, we’ll find out soon enough, won’t we?
BOB
Miles and miles, walking around in circles, all because of a brainless bird!
Pauses, searches for conversation.
BOB (cont.)
Do you think that raven of yours is still alive?
FRED (looking down at the raven)
I don’t know. He sort of grunts, every once in a while.
BOB (laughing humorlessly)
Silly, isn’t it? Here we are, two of us for the birds, and we can’t even find the road.
FRED
Look! Look!
BOB
What is it?
FRED
The rock! Look at my raven!
BOB
Yep! There are birds around there! Hoopoes! We should ask about King Tereus.
FRED
Sure. Why don’t you go kick your foot against the rock?
BOB
You go bang your head against it. It’ll make twice the noise.
FRED
Just knock.
BOB
Whatever you say. Porter, porter!
FRED
Idiot, that’s no way to call a Hoopoe. You should say “Hoop! Hoop!”
Bob shrugs.
BOB
Hoop! Hoop! (to Fred) Should I knock again? (Back to the rock) Hoop! Hoop!
SERVANT (exiting the rock)
What do you want?
FRED
King Tereus. Bring him out.
SERVANT
Whatever. Sure.
King Tereus comes out. He’s dressed up as a bird, and he has a plastic crown on (or paper. I don’t care.)
BOB
So you’re Tereus?
TEREUS (nodding agreeably)
Yup.
FRED
And you turned into a bird?
TEREUS (still nodding agreeably)
Yup.
FRED
Well, can you tell us, mister, where we can find a really nice city to live in?
TEREUS (shaking his head agreeably)
Nope.
FRED
Oh, I was afraid of that. (Making a decision) Well, there’s only one thing for it!
BOB
What?
FRED
We’ll build ourselves a city!
TEREUS (nodding agreeably again)
Splendid idea! (Thinks of a problem) But where?
FRED
Look down there.
TEREUS
I’m looking.
FRED
Now up there.
TEREUS
I’m looking.
FRED
Look all around you.
TEREUS
Whatever you say. I hope you’re not trying to make me sprain my neck.
FRED
What do you see?
TEREUS
Clouds, and a lot of sky.
FRED
That’s the bird’s sphere. You should build a city, up in the sky, and then when gods want to come down to earth, they’ll have to pay you money to get through! And you can make humans sacrifice to the birds instead of the gods!
TEREUS
Lovely idea! I’ll call a council of the birds right away. (Prepares to shout) To me, to me, here, here, here, O friends, O feathery myriads! Leave your fields now, furrows deep in seed, beak-wielders, swift spiralers --
Bob (interrupting)
Er, Mr. Tereus? Do you think you might hurry it up a little bit? We don’t have a whole lot of time to do this video.
TEREUS (shrugging)
Okay. (Shouts again) Oi! Birds! Get over here, we need to hold an assembly!
Birds come flocking in, all with beaks and wings. Bob and Fred observe them as they come.
FRED
Oh, what’s that one?
TEREUS
A flamingo, obviously.
BOB
And that one?
TEREUS
An Egyptian Mallard, of course -- and that’s a sparrow, and that’s a partridge.
FRED
Oh! And that one?
TEREUS (rattling off names and pointing to the birds)
Magpie. Turtledove. Lark. Warbler. Spryneck. Pigeon. Snirt. Falcon. Ringdove. Cuckoo. Redleg. Firepate. Purple Hatch. Kestrel. Grebe. Bunting. Lammergeier. Woodpecker --
Bob interrupts.
BOB
What an awful lot of birds!
TEREUS (calling out to the birds)
Well, everyone, we are here so that (leans to Fred) what’s your name again?
FRED (whispering)
Pisth…Pisthon…Pither…Fred.
TEREUS
Fred here can make a proposal to us all!
Fred steps forward and speaks in a loud, speaking voice.
FRED
I propose, birds, that we build a city for the birds!
BIRDS (in unison)
NO!!!
Fred is dumbstruck.
FRED
Why not?
Birds whisper among themselves. None of them has an answer. Shrugging, they turn back to Fred.
FRED
Let’s try this again. I propose, birds, that we build a city for the birds!
BIRDS (in unison)
YES!!! (their cheers equal the strength of their denial before)
FRED
Good!
Scene change. Fred and Bob and several other birds are planning out the city with a map, on the ground. Papers are scattered around.
CHORAGOS (a bird)
But how shall we manage money?
FRED
It will be fine, you’ll see. The Auspice birds will show them rich mines. Shipwrecks will stop--
CHORAGOS
Why?
FRED
Because the humans will consult the Birds before each voyage. “Is it safe to sail?” “Not today, a storm’s coming up!”
BOB
I’ll invest in a boat. Yo-ho for the briny deep!
FRED
And also, there are buried pots of treasure. The Birds know where they are. Haven’t you heard the saying, “A little bird told me where to look for it”?
BOB
I’ll sell my boat. Me for the buried pots!
FRED
Um, by the way (speaking to the birds) Bob and I can’t fly.
TEREUS
Really, it’s no problem at all. There’s a useful little herb. You nibble it and, presto! -- you sprout wings.
FRED
Oh, well, that’s fine then.
Scene change. Bob and Fred walk in with wings and feathers.
BOB (giggling)
You look ridiculous!
FRED
You look like a perfect reproduction of an unsuccessful sketch of a goose.
CHORAGOS
What do we do next?
FRED
Well, next we need a name for the city.
TEREUS
How about New Sparta?
FRED
Goodness, no. Something with clouds…and birds…
BOB (Having an idea)
I know! Cloudcuckooland!
BIRDS (looking at one another, dissenting)
No…no, I don’t think so…Not good at all.
FRED
Quiet, everyone, I’m thinking. (Having an idea of his own) I know! We’ll call it Cloudcuckooland!
BIRDS (looking at one another, agreeing happily)
Yes! Cloudcuckooland! Fred’s a genius!
Bob looks confused and annoyed, but preparations go on. Birds run back and forth across the scene. Fred and Bob walk along among the chaos. There is a ladder leaned up against a tree, and every now and then, a bird hands something up to the top of the ladder.
FRED (calling out to birds running by)
You, off you go into the air! See what the builders are up to. Make sure they have enough stones. Get plenty of tubs. Make the mortar yourself.
To one specific bird, he hands a bucket and points up the ladder.
FRED
Carry it up.
The bird obeys, carrying the bucket up the ladder. We see that he is struggling slightly. Then, when he is up out of sight, we hear a shriek, the sound of falling, and a splat.
BOB
And fall off the ladder.
FRED (unperturbed)
Bank the fires. Post sentries in the right places. Make the round of the guards at night --
BOB
And take a nap.
FRED (to Bob)
Send out two heralds to the gods and to mankind, then report back to me.
BOB
Why don’t you do any work?
FRED (shocked)
Buddy, that’s not like you, not like you at all. We all depend on you to get things done.
Bob is not placated.
FRED (cont.)
I’ll be busy, too, don’t you worry.
Bob exits the scene. Fred shakes his head and looks over some plans. A poet walks in, strumming a lyre, guitar, something, and singing.
POET
Cloudcuckooland, my happy home, sung by the Muses nine --
FRED
How did this guy get in? Who are you?
POET
Who am I? A honeythroated bard, a ‘willing slave of the Muse’, as Homer puts it.
FRED
A slave? With that haircut?
POET
No, no, you misunderstand me. I am a poet. All we poets are ‘willing slaves of the muse’, as Homer puts it.
FRED
Oh, that coat of yours has seen service, willing or not. Talk to me, then. What’s the problem?
POET
In honor of Cloudcuckooland, that great city, I have composed the following lyric items: A) a batch of cyclic verses, B) a few simple virginations, and C) some odes in the manner of Simonides.
FRED
Goodness gracious. When did you start writing them?
POET
Long have I meditated on this city, long.
FRED
Impossible. I only just gave the city a name!
POET
Ah, swift is the speech of the Muses, yea, swifter than swiveling steeds! Mark me, man: Thou Author of Aitna, Father, at whose dire doom do foregather all the high hierarchs --
FRED (interrupting)
Hurry it up. What do you want?
Poet holds out hand in a clear gesture of wanting money.
POET
Gotta wallet?
FRED
Oh, he’ll be here all day. You! (Calls a bird over, who wears a coat). Give the coat to this guy.
Bird hands coat over, and the Poet bows and exits, still singing.
POET
Thank you, sir! (Singing as he leaves) But still I’ll chant, where’er I roam, Cloudcuckooland, my happy home…La la la la la la la la….
FRED
Gosh, what a nuisance. I hope I never meet someone else like that. How did he hear so soon about the city? Ah, well…
Goes back to his map. A Travelling Prophet enters.
T.P.
Silence! Stop whatever you’re doing!
FRED
What now? Who are you?
T.P.
I; an Expounder of Oracles.
FRED (clearly annoyed)
Dang Expounders! (Bleep out dang if you want, for comic effect.)
T.P.
Language, sir, language. I come to reveal a prophecy of Bacchus about Cloudcuckooland.
FRED
Why did you wait to tell me until I’d gone and already founded Cloudcuckooland?
T.P. (looking down his nose at Fred)
God moves in a mysterious way.
FRED
Well, since you’re already here, let’s hear this prophecy of yours.
T.P.
What time wolves and white crows
Confect bungalows
‘Twix Sikyon and Korinth --
FRED
I didn’t do anything with Corinth!
T.P.
Hush, now, he means the air.
FRED
Oh…
T.P.
Now listen:
To Pandora this day
A white ram thou must slay,
And to who so divines me thou shalt not refuse,
A warm winter suit and a pair of new shoes.
FRED
Does it say shoes?
T.P.
Look in the book.
Plus a generous cup,
Plus a slice off the top --
FRED
Slice off the top?
T.P.
Look in the book.
And if, godly infant, thou dost as I say,
A heav’n-kissing eagle shalt thou be today,
Not so much as a tittymouse if thou say’st nay.
FRED
Is that there too?
T.P.
Look in the book.
FRED
Hmm, that’s very interesting. It’s not like the prophecy I got from Apollo.
T.P.
And what was that?
FRED
But if by ill hap a cheap prophecy-monger
Disturbeth the service which lies born of hunger,
Thou shalt bash in his ribs --
T.P.
I don’t believe it says that.
FRED
Look in the book.
As for heav’n-kissing eagles and (say dang and bleep it out)-kissing seers,
To heck with them all. End of message.
T.P.
Is that there too?
FRED
Look in the book. (Losing patience) Get out of here!
Hits him with his staff (or whatever happens to be on hand.)
T.P.
Ouch! All right! Ouch! I’ll go!
He exits. Fred returns to his plans, and an INSPECTOR enters.
INSPECTOR
Summon the consuls.
FRED
What now?
INSPECTOR
My good man, I am a legally designated Inspector, empowered to investigate the civic status of Cloudcuckooland.
FRED
You have a warrant?
INSPECTOR
This illegible document endorsed by Teleas.
FRED
My dear Inspector, it seems a pity to waste your valuable time. How about you get paid and go home?
INSPECTOR
Excellent idea! I ought not to have left Athens at all. There are certain sensitive foreign affairs, you know, that are mine to deal with.
FRED
Is that so? Here’s your pay.
Slaps him.
INSPECTOR
Sir, I demand to know the meaning of this.
FRED
It’s a sensitive foreign affair.
INSPECTOR
I make formal protest that you have assaulted and battered an Inspector.
FRED
Take your voting-jugs and get out of here!
Inspector exits. Fred huffs.
FRED
Really! Inspectors before there’s even a city to inspect!
Enter the DECREE-VENDOR, who reads from a scroll.
D.V.
And if any Cloudcuckoolander whatsoever shall cause injury or distress to any Athenian citizen whatsoever --
FRED
Another one! A walking law-book this time.
D.V.
Your Honor, I am a dealer in laws. Satisfaction guaranteed.
FRED
Like?
D.V.
Voted: That from the date hereinunder subscribed all weights measures and statues whatsoever of --
FRED
Oh, that will make everything better for the city! Look here, you! Go back where you came from, or you’ll get some rough and ready legislation.
Exit Decree-Vendor quickly, re-enter the Inspector from behind Fred.
INSPECTOR
I charge Fred with felonious assault, returnable April Session.
FRED
How did you get back?
Decree-Vendor comes back.
D.V.
And if any man shall scuttle a magistrate after the name of same has been posted on the pillar in accordance with the law --
FRED
Not you too!
INSPECTOR
I’ll have you license! This will cost you a cool thousand!
FRED
I’ll rip up your warrant!
INSPECTOR
Do you remember the evening you polluted the pillar?
FRED
Go pollute yourself! Grab him!
Inspector exits running. Fred sighs and finally returns to his plans. Then, bored, he rolls them up and exits the scene.
Scene change. Bob and all the other birds look up the ladder. Fred descends triumphantly.
FRED
It is finished! My friends, I give you…Cloudcuckooland!
Cheers. Birds begin to dance.
BOB
It’s finally finished!
FRED
It is indeed! (Calls out to someone off screen) Turn on the music!
Music begins: PARTY ROCK ANTHEM. Birds continue dancing. Someone pulls out confetti and party hats, the works. Camera zooms out, and we see, up in the tree, a little cardboard house that’s not even close to a city. Music lowers in volume the further we get from the stumpy little Cloudcuckooland.
NARRATOR
And there we have the story of the founding of Cloudcuckooland, the city that was quite literally “for the birds”. Now, this is the part of the Greek play where we normally look for the deep meaning behind it all -- the connection with humanity, and application to our own lives. So what do you think? Is there any meaning to this story? (Pauses.) Nah.
Closing credits blast in, with PARTY ROCK ANTHEM blaring.
THE END
-President Fantasy
