Welcome Back!

  Welcome back, Tiger and Miss Templado, from your ski trip! Hope you had a good time!
  OH, YES!!! I almost forgot!
  Tomorrow is Saturday, and I have to film a video for school. I was just, uh, wondering if you gals would be at all interested in being in it. Here's the script, if you want to take a look:

 

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF CLOUDCUCKOOLAND

By Sophie Klomparens

Based on the Greek play “The Birds,” by Aristophanes

1          The sun rises over a hill.

NARRATOR

You’ve heard of Oedipus Rex and the tragic story of the king who lost everything that was dear to him. You’ve read Agamemnon and the ironic events of the queen who killed her husband. And maybe you have even seen Alcestis and enjoyed the happy ending for a change. But I can guarantee you that you have never seen a Greek play quite like this one.

            Opening title. Two men begin to come up over the hill. They are PISTHETAIROS (called FRED in this version) and EUELPIDES (called BOB in this version).

BOB (to the jackdaw)

Straight ahead? Over by that tree?

FRED (to the raven)

Oh,

Swears. It’s bleeped out. Actor says “Dang” in the shooting.

FRED (cont.)

Dang (bleep) your feathers!

            Freezes on Fred.

NARRATOR

Yup. Take a good long look. You’ll be seeing a lot of him. That’s Pisthet…Pisthai…Pindoggin…Palendrome…Oh, let’s just call him Fred.

FRED (returning to life)

Euelpides, this fool fowl is going to drive me crazy!

BOB

I know. What’s the use? All this going up and down hills, it’ll be forever before we find the right road.

            Freezes on Bob.

NARRATOR

And that is…er…Euel…Eulerinp…Epping…Aw, whatever. Just call him Bob.

            Bob and Fred return to life.

FRED

The birdseller said that these birds would take us straight to Tereus!

BOB

Exactly how King Tereus turned into a bird, I have no clue!

            All this while, they are tramping along, frustrated.

FRED

Well, we’ll find out soon enough, won’t we?

BOB

Miles and miles, walking around in circles, all because of a brainless bird!

            Pauses, searches for conversation.

BOB (cont.)

Do you think that raven of yours is still alive?

FRED (looking down at the raven)

I don’t know. He sort of grunts, every once in a while.

BOB (laughing humorlessly)

Silly, isn’t it? Here we are, two of us for the birds, and we can’t even find the road.

FRED

Look! Look!

BOB

What is it?

FRED

The rock! Look at my raven!

BOB

Yep! There are birds around there! Hoopoes! We should ask about King Tereus.

FRED

Sure. Why don’t you go kick your foot against the rock?

BOB

You go bang your head against it. It’ll make twice the noise.

FRED

Just knock.

BOB

Whatever you say. Porter, porter!

FRED

Idiot, that’s no way to call a Hoopoe. You should say “Hoop! Hoop!”

            Bob shrugs.

BOB

Hoop! Hoop! (to Fred) Should I knock again? (Back to the rock) Hoop! Hoop!

SERVANT (exiting the rock)

What do you want?

FRED

King Tereus. Bring him out.

SERVANT

Whatever. Sure.

            King Tereus comes out. He’s dressed up as a bird, and he has a plastic crown on (or paper. I don’t care.)

BOB

So you’re Tereus?

TEREUS (nodding agreeably)

Yup.

FRED

And you turned into a bird?

TEREUS (still nodding agreeably)

Yup.

FRED

Well, can you tell us, mister, where we can find a really nice city to live in?

TEREUS (shaking his head agreeably)

Nope.

FRED

Oh, I was afraid of that. (Making a decision) Well, there’s only one thing for it!

BOB

What?

FRED

We’ll build ourselves a city!

TEREUS (nodding agreeably again)

Splendid idea! (Thinks of a problem) But where?

FRED

Look down there.

TEREUS

I’m looking.

FRED

Now up there.

TEREUS

I’m looking.

FRED

Look all around you.

TEREUS

Whatever you say. I hope you’re not trying to make me sprain my neck.

FRED

What do you see?

TEREUS

Clouds, and a lot of sky.

FRED

That’s the bird’s sphere. You should build a city, up in the sky, and then when gods want to come down to earth, they’ll have to pay you money to get through! And you can make humans sacrifice to the birds instead of the gods!

TEREUS

Lovely idea! I’ll call a council of the birds right away. (Prepares to shout) To me, to me, here, here, here, O friends, O feathery myriads! Leave your fields now, furrows deep in seed, beak-wielders, swift spiralers --

Bob (interrupting)

Er, Mr. Tereus? Do you think you might hurry it up a little bit? We don’t have a whole lot of time to do this video.

TEREUS (shrugging)

Okay. (Shouts again) Oi! Birds! Get over here, we need to hold an assembly!

            Birds come flocking in, all with beaks and wings. Bob and Fred observe them as they come.

FRED

Oh, what’s that one?

TEREUS

A flamingo, obviously.

BOB

And that one?

TEREUS

An Egyptian Mallard, of course -- and that’s a sparrow, and that’s a partridge.

FRED

Oh! And that one?

TEREUS (rattling off names and pointing to the birds)

Magpie. Turtledove. Lark. Warbler. Spryneck. Pigeon. Snirt. Falcon. Ringdove. Cuckoo. Redleg. Firepate. Purple Hatch. Kestrel. Grebe. Bunting. Lammergeier. Woodpecker --

            Bob interrupts.

BOB

What an awful lot of birds!

TEREUS (calling out to the birds)

Well, everyone, we are here so that (leans to Fred) what’s your name again?

FRED (whispering)

Pisth…Pisthon…Pither…Fred.

TEREUS

Fred here can make a proposal to us all!

            Fred steps forward and speaks in a loud, speaking voice.

FRED

I propose, birds, that we build a city for the birds!

BIRDS (in unison)

NO!!!

            Fred is dumbstruck.

FRED

Why not?

            Birds whisper among themselves. None of them has an answer. Shrugging, they turn back to Fred.

FRED

Let’s try this again. I propose, birds, that we build a city for the birds!

BIRDS (in unison)

YES!!! (their cheers equal the strength of their denial before)

FRED

Good!

            Scene change. Fred and Bob and several other birds are planning out the city with a map, on the ground. Papers are scattered around.

CHORAGOS (a bird)

But how shall we manage money?

FRED

It will be fine, you’ll see. The Auspice birds will show them rich mines. Shipwrecks will stop--

CHORAGOS

Why?

FRED

Because the humans will consult the Birds before each voyage. “Is it safe to sail?” “Not today, a storm’s coming up!”

BOB

I’ll invest in a boat. Yo-ho for the briny deep!

FRED

And also, there are buried pots of treasure. The Birds know where they are. Haven’t you heard the saying, “A little bird told me where to look for it”?

BOB

I’ll sell my boat. Me for the buried pots!

FRED

Um, by the way (speaking to the birds) Bob and I can’t fly.

TEREUS

Really, it’s no problem at all. There’s a useful little herb. You nibble it and, presto! -- you sprout wings.

FRED

Oh, well, that’s fine then.

            Scene change. Bob and Fred walk in with wings and feathers.

BOB (giggling)

You look ridiculous!

FRED

You look like a perfect reproduction of an unsuccessful sketch of a goose.

CHORAGOS

What do we do next?

FRED

Well, next we need a name for the city.

TEREUS

How about New Sparta?

FRED

Goodness, no. Something with clouds…and birds…

BOB (Having an idea)

I know! Cloudcuckooland!

BIRDS (looking at one another, dissenting)

No…no, I don’t think so…Not good at all.

FRED

Quiet, everyone, I’m thinking. (Having an idea of his own) I know! We’ll call it Cloudcuckooland!

BIRDS (looking at one another, agreeing happily)

Yes! Cloudcuckooland! Fred’s a genius!

            Bob looks confused and annoyed, but preparations go on. Birds run back and forth across the scene. Fred and Bob walk along among the chaos. There is a ladder leaned up against a tree, and every now and then, a bird hands something up to the top of the ladder.

FRED (calling out to birds running by)

You, off you go into the air! See what the builders are up to. Make sure they have enough stones. Get plenty of tubs. Make the mortar yourself.

            To one specific bird, he hands a bucket and points up the ladder.

FRED

Carry it up.

            The bird obeys, carrying the bucket up the ladder. We see that he is struggling slightly. Then, when he is up out of sight, we hear a shriek, the sound of falling, and a splat.

BOB

And fall off the ladder.

FRED (unperturbed)

Bank the fires. Post sentries in the right places. Make the round of the guards at night --

BOB

And take a nap.

FRED (to Bob)

Send out two heralds to the gods and to mankind, then report back to me.

BOB

Why don’t you do any work?

FRED  (shocked)

Buddy, that’s not like you, not like you at all. We all depend on you to get things done.

            Bob is not placated.

FRED (cont.)

I’ll be busy, too, don’t you worry.

            Bob exits the scene. Fred shakes his head and looks over some plans. A poet walks in, strumming a lyre, guitar, something, and singing.

POET

Cloudcuckooland, my happy home, sung by the Muses nine --

FRED

How did this guy get in? Who are you?

POET

Who am I? A honeythroated bard, a ‘willing slave of the Muse’, as Homer puts it.

FRED

A slave? With that haircut?

POET

No, no, you misunderstand me. I am a poet. All we poets are ‘willing slaves of the muse’, as Homer puts it.

FRED

Oh, that coat of yours has seen service, willing or not. Talk to me, then. What’s the problem?

POET

In honor of Cloudcuckooland, that great city, I have composed the following lyric items: A) a batch of cyclic verses, B) a few simple virginations, and C) some odes in the manner of Simonides.

FRED

Goodness gracious. When did you start writing them?

POET

Long have I meditated on this city, long.

FRED

Impossible. I only just gave the city a name!

POET

Ah, swift is the speech of the Muses, yea, swifter than swiveling steeds! Mark me, man: Thou Author of Aitna, Father, at whose dire doom do foregather all the high hierarchs --

FRED (interrupting)

Hurry it up. What do you want?

            Poet holds out hand in a clear gesture of wanting money.

POET

Gotta wallet?

FRED

Oh, he’ll be here all day. You! (Calls a bird over, who wears a coat). Give the coat to this guy.

            Bird hands coat over, and the Poet bows and exits, still singing.

POET

Thank you, sir! (Singing as he leaves) But still I’ll chant, where’er I roam, Cloudcuckooland, my happy home…La la la la la la la la….

FRED

Gosh, what a nuisance. I hope I never meet someone else like that. How did he hear so soon about the city? Ah, well…

            Goes back to his map. A Travelling Prophet enters.

T.P.

Silence! Stop whatever you’re doing!

FRED

What now? Who are you?

T.P.

I; an Expounder of Oracles.

FRED (clearly annoyed)

Dang Expounders! (Bleep out dang if you want, for comic effect.)

T.P.

Language, sir, language. I come to reveal a prophecy of Bacchus about Cloudcuckooland.

FRED

Why did you wait to tell me until I’d gone and already founded Cloudcuckooland?

T.P. (looking down his nose at Fred)

God moves in a mysterious way.

FRED

Well, since you’re already here, let’s hear this prophecy of yours.

T.P.

What time wolves and white crows

Confect bungalows

‘Twix Sikyon and Korinth --

FRED

I didn’t do anything with Corinth!

T.P.

Hush, now, he means the air.

FRED

Oh…

T.P.

Now listen:

To Pandora this day

A white ram thou must slay,

And to who so divines me thou shalt not refuse,

A warm winter suit and a pair of new shoes.

FRED

Does it say shoes?

T.P.

Look in the book.

Plus a generous cup,

Plus a slice off the top --

FRED

Slice off the top?

T.P.

Look in the book.

And if, godly infant, thou dost as I say,

A heav’n-kissing eagle shalt thou be today,

Not so much as a tittymouse if thou say’st nay.

FRED

Is that there too?

T.P.

Look in the book.

FRED

Hmm, that’s very interesting. It’s not like the prophecy I got from Apollo.

T.P.

And what was that?

FRED

But if by ill hap a cheap prophecy-monger

Disturbeth the service which lies born of hunger,

Thou shalt bash in his ribs --

T.P.

I don’t believe it says that.

FRED

Look in the book.

As for heav’n-kissing eagles and (say dang and bleep it out)-kissing seers,

To heck with them all. End of message.

T.P.

Is that there too?

FRED

Look in the book. (Losing patience) Get out of here!

            Hits him with his staff (or whatever happens to be on hand.)

T.P.

Ouch! All right! Ouch! I’ll go!

            He exits. Fred returns to his plans, and an INSPECTOR enters.

INSPECTOR

Summon the consuls.

FRED

What now?

INSPECTOR

My good man, I am a legally designated Inspector, empowered to investigate the civic status of Cloudcuckooland.

FRED

You have a warrant?

INSPECTOR

This illegible document endorsed by Teleas.

FRED

My dear Inspector, it seems a pity to waste your valuable time. How about you get paid and go home?

INSPECTOR

Excellent idea! I ought not to have left Athens at all. There are certain sensitive foreign affairs, you know, that are mine to deal with.

FRED

Is that so? Here’s your pay.

            Slaps him.

INSPECTOR

Sir, I demand to know the meaning of this.

FRED

It’s a sensitive foreign affair.

INSPECTOR

I make formal protest that you have assaulted and battered an Inspector.

FRED

Take your voting-jugs and get out of here!

            Inspector exits. Fred huffs.

FRED

Really! Inspectors before there’s even a city to inspect!

            Enter the DECREE-VENDOR, who reads from a scroll.

D.V.

And if any Cloudcuckoolander whatsoever shall cause injury or distress to any Athenian citizen whatsoever --

FRED

Another one! A walking law-book this time.

D.V.

Your Honor, I am a dealer in laws. Satisfaction guaranteed.

FRED

Like?

D.V.

Voted: That from the date hereinunder subscribed all weights measures and statues whatsoever of --

FRED

Oh, that will make everything better for the city! Look here, you! Go back where you came from, or you’ll get some rough and ready legislation.

            Exit Decree-Vendor quickly, re-enter the Inspector from behind Fred.

INSPECTOR

I charge Fred with felonious assault, returnable April Session.

FRED

How did you get back?

            Decree-Vendor comes back.

D.V.

And if any man shall scuttle a magistrate after the name of same has been posted on the pillar in accordance with the law --

FRED

Not you too!

INSPECTOR

I’ll have you license! This will cost you a cool thousand!

FRED

I’ll rip up your warrant!

INSPECTOR

Do you remember the evening you polluted the pillar?

FRED

Go pollute yourself! Grab him!

            Inspector exits running. Fred sighs and finally returns to his plans. Then, bored, he rolls them up and exits the scene.

            Scene change. Bob and all the other birds look up the ladder. Fred descends triumphantly.

FRED

It is finished! My friends, I give you…Cloudcuckooland!

            Cheers. Birds begin to dance.

BOB

It’s finally finished!

FRED

It is indeed! (Calls out to someone off screen) Turn on the music!

            Music begins: PARTY ROCK ANTHEM. Birds continue dancing. Someone pulls out confetti and party hats, the works. Camera zooms out, and we see, up in the tree, a little cardboard house that’s not even close to a city. Music lowers in volume the further we get from the stumpy little Cloudcuckooland.

NARRATOR

And there we have the story of the founding of Cloudcuckooland, the city that was quite literally “for the birds”. Now, this is the part of the Greek play where we normally look for the deep meaning behind it all -- the connection with humanity, and application to our own lives. So what do you think? Is there any meaning to this story? (Pauses.) Nah.

            Closing credits blast in, with PARTY ROCK ANTHEM blaring.

THE END

-President Fantasy