The Real History of the World, Part 1: Those Dang Persians

This is an essay of mine called The Real History of the World. Here's part one:

  In the beginning, God said, "Let there be light." Light showed up. God decided to make land and trees and a couple of people, too. These people sinned and were tossed out of the garden.
  Then along came Noah with his big boat. He saved the world -- including some very fun animals, the dinosaurs. These dinosaurs were meat-eaters (well, sure, plant-eaters too, but they're no fun).
  Actually, it's a little known fact that meat-eater is actually short for meter-eater (which can be shortened to mete-eat, or with a spelling change, meat-eat). This, of course, refers to parking meters. Few people realize that the word "meter" in parking meter comes from the caveman word which means "to park or drive". Obviously, the cavemen had lots of technology. In fact, they were far from primitive. They had moving sidewalks, flying cars -- everything. In fact, the cavemen were more advanced than WE are now.
  Then along came the Persians. They convinced the cavemen to return to the good old days of iron wheels and cave drawings. They returned to primitiveness, and handed the Persians all of their amazing technology. Those dang Persians, however, couldn't figure out how to use it. So they burned it all up. We have gradually had to build up this technology again. In fact, this is how the dinosaurs went extinct. The Persians burned up all their parking meters, and they starved to death!
  Somewhere along the line, the Romans came along. They spoke Pig Latin. The Persians and Romans hated each other just. The Persians and Romans had a war, and enlisted the help of the dragons.
  Oops! Dragons are meter-eaters too, so they were extinct. So the Persians and Romans sadly agreed to make a truce. But those sly Persians attacked Italy anyway. Their battle cry was, "Screw truces!" The Romans drove them out and send them running back to Persia. Unfortunately, Cleopatra the Royal Pain was starting to rule Egypt, and there were bound to be problems.

I'll write part two by and by. There you are. My apologies to any Mexicans who may have been offended by the previous version. I meant no disrespect to anyone. This entire essay is stupid and not to be taken seriously. By the way, I've started judging the poetry for the contest, and I have a few tentative winners. (Ooh...)
By the way, I need to call an emergency meeting to discuss A Text to Save the World (or whatever). Horse Love, you don't NEED to be there, but you are always welcome. Tell me when we can have that.
-President Fantasy